We woke up in a hug. Sun breached into the room. We laid there in silence. I was happy yet there was this troubling feeling in my body. “What if this is just a one time thing?” … “Something that doesn’t go beyond sex. Sure we had fun, but is she looking for what I am?”
“Something to make us smile in the long run. To hold each other in both smile and tear. What would happen if she left” … “I can’t risk to fall in love, to commit if she’s not here for the long run” I thought to myself.
She laid on my chest, suddenly I was unsure. She became a stranger over night. A fear of getting hurt again. How do I know she’s not going to decide that she doesn’t need me anymore.
I kissed her head, her soft hair that smelled like roses, sunshine. Sunshine for me. I moved out of the bed, as slow as I could, not to disturb her. Pulled on some pants and went to the kitchen.
My mind still occupied with the thought. With the feeling that troubled my heart. “Where’s my lighter” I mumbled as I put a cigarette in my mouth, looking around the kitchen. “Oh, there it is” I said. The room filled with smoke, the window was slightly open.
“So yeah. I guess I need to talk to her” I continued to think. Some mistakes hurt too much to be repeated. The coffee was ready and I poured myself a cup. Sitting at the table again. Silence prevailed. The clock was ticking.
6:30 am. It was always silent at this time. A great time to contemplate the last few days, weeks. Months or years. Sometimes just enjoying the silence, mindful without a single trouble.
I heard her get up. The bedroom door opened and she went to the bathroom. “What am I going to say now?”…“I wish she just went to bed for a little longer” I thought to myself.